A Letter to Michelle:

Michelle: My biggest, sweetest, most beautiful cousin.

If I could even put into words how much I miss you, I'd do it here. I think about you every day. I talk to you constantly. I dream about you frequently. In my dreams, I'm the only one who can hear you or see you. I wake up crying from my sleep, knowing you're truly gone. I don't know why God had to take you from me, from us, especially Matthew. My God does that break my heart. I never realized how much a parent could love a child until I had Carter & I cannot imagine not being here on Earth with him. To give him a hug, or a kiss, or a cuddle whenever I want to. To to be up in Heaven just watching down on Carter would be the worst thing in the world. Matthew misses you so much, Michelle. He would have been the best big brother in the world to Alivia if she would have been here. I know you see the way he looks at Carter, & holds Carter, & cares for Carter. I know you had something to do with me getting pregnant too, & because of that you've completely turned my world around. For the better. All I could think about at Nicholas' Birthday party was that 2 years prior to that was the last time I got a hug from you. I regret so much now, not hugging you back. Had I known God was going to take you from me, I would have. I wish so much I wasn't being a stubborn bitch & would have just called you back to make ammends with you. It's getting close to the last time that I even saw you, & I regret not giving you a hug goodbye then, or telling you I loved you. I don't understand why God had to put you through everything he did. You didn't deserve ANY of it. If I could have traded places with you, I would have. You were one of the nicest people to ever walk the planet. I know God wanted all the pretty flowers for his garden, but couldn't he have taken a weed or something? Taking you is like picking a damn bouquet. I really wish I could have given you a hug goodbye in the hospital too, when I knew we were taking you off life support. I was just to scared, & in such denial that you weren't going to be here anymore. The one thing I will NEVER forget is that you knew I was there. It was just me & you in your room together, the nurse stepped out & my Mom went to smoke. I was talking to you, holding your hand. I asked you to squeeze my hand if you could hear me, & you did! Every time I think of that, I think that maybe if the nurse or doctor were there to witness it, you might still be here. That there would have been a tiny bit of hope that you could have pulled through. You were so strong, Michelle. I miss that beautiful smile of yours, & seeing that tall, skinny, beautiful woman with the short spiky hair walk in to a room. I miss your smell. I miss that you always called me "Honey". I miss when you'd leave birthday parties with Matthew, you'd ALWAYS make him give everyone a hug goodbye. He still does that too, by the way. I hope to instill that trait in Carter. If there is 1 thing I am grateful for, it's the fact that I look like you. Whenever somebody tells me that I look like you, it is one of the greatest compliments I could wish for. I truly hope the speech I gave at your funeral meant something to you, if at the very least it simply meant "I love you".

Michelle, I miss you so much it makes me sick. It hurts. It's breath-taking. Please look down on me, now & forever. I love you. Sooooo much. Give Alivia hugs & kisses from Carter & I.